i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
