i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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