I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
