Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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