I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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