i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
