what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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