Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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