I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
