so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i now understand why vodka
Randomize