the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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