i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
