I'm so fucking centered right now
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
