i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
