The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
