i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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