saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
