The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my being single is dangerous.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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