He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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