I will die if light touches me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
