At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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