wakey wakey hands off snakey
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There's always time for handjobs
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
