Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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