There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
