The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
