Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
