the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
