he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
