Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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