dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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