What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
