What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
