That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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