Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
