nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
