Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
