this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
