The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
