I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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