I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
