Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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