A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
