I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
