I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
