So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
