Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize