but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
