How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
