i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
