apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Who did Billy Mays play for?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
