I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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