Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
