Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize