i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
