dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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