god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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